Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Chicken on a Bus
I was on a bus in the city, and this old Asian lady tries to get on at the Chinatown stop. In one hand she hasa grocery bag, and in the other hand, she has a chicken...a live, chicken. And this is a really pissed off chicken too, he's thrashing and squalling like "I gotta get away from this crazy lady or I'm gonna be dinner in two hours!"
Anyway, the bus driver stops this woman, right. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't the old world. You can't take a live chicken on a bus in America ever! That's mostly why we came here!"
And for a few moments, the woman was confused, like "Are you kidding me? Why can't I take my chicken on a bus? This is weird, someone should have told about this beforehand." But, she got off the bus.
Of course, the entire bus is cracking up. They all saw this, and it's hilarious, but suddenly everyone stops dead silent. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK against the side of the bus. The woman got off the bus, took the chicken by the feet, and banged its head against the side of the bus and killed it!
She gets back on the bus with the now non-live chicken, and looks at the bus driver like, "We good?"
The entire bus is staring at her, dead silent. I mean, clearly this woman is a psychopath, so we really don't want to piss her off! The bus driver pulls out the manual like "Damn, I've been driving this bus for 20 years, I don't even know what the hell to do. I don't even think this is covered in the book..."
He decides to let her on, because really, who wants to mess with this lady? So she walks down the aisle, dripping salmonella on all of our feet, all the way to the back of the bus, where several rows have magically opened up.
The rest of the ride is dead silent until she gets off. Even people who get on after her take one look at the bus and say "Ah, several empty rows in the back, one crazy woman with a dead chicken, I think I'll join these four people silently sharing a seat in the front!"
I first heard this story during a "Comedy Central Presents" standup comedy special. Unfortunately, I cannot remember the comic's name, but the point is that this story is not my original creation.
Anyway, the bus driver stops this woman, right. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't the old world. You can't take a live chicken on a bus in America ever! That's mostly why we came here!"
And for a few moments, the woman was confused, like "Are you kidding me? Why can't I take my chicken on a bus? This is weird, someone should have told about this beforehand." But, she got off the bus.
Of course, the entire bus is cracking up. They all saw this, and it's hilarious, but suddenly everyone stops dead silent. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK against the side of the bus. The woman got off the bus, took the chicken by the feet, and banged its head against the side of the bus and killed it!
She gets back on the bus with the now non-live chicken, and looks at the bus driver like, "We good?"
The entire bus is staring at her, dead silent. I mean, clearly this woman is a psychopath, so we really don't want to piss her off! The bus driver pulls out the manual like "Damn, I've been driving this bus for 20 years, I don't even know what the hell to do. I don't even think this is covered in the book..."
He decides to let her on, because really, who wants to mess with this lady? So she walks down the aisle, dripping salmonella on all of our feet, all the way to the back of the bus, where several rows have magically opened up.
The rest of the ride is dead silent until she gets off. Even people who get on after her take one look at the bus and say "Ah, several empty rows in the back, one crazy woman with a dead chicken, I think I'll join these four people silently sharing a seat in the front!"
I first heard this story during a "Comedy Central Presents" standup comedy special. Unfortunately, I cannot remember the comic's name, but the point is that this story is not my original creation.
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